Marion is by nature a very peace-loving person. She doesn’t pick fights. She refuses to get baited into an argument. She doesn’t like the negative vibes of conflict. She is by every definition a very kind, easy-going, and cheerful lady.

Unless you happen to be a squirrel. Squirrels are an exception to her rule of peace and love to all God’s creatures.

“Squirrels are the devil,” she says. “They’re nothing but evil rats.”

I heard her say this out loud. Eyes bulging. Body language on high alert. It actually made me a little bit nervous about being in her kitchen with a drawer full of sharp knives close by.

I will do my best to tell her story from her perspective, meaning I need you to imagine she is telling this in her own words.

Here we go.

I was sitting in the family room minding my own business one afternoon when I heard something that sounded like a critter scratching around inside the back wall of my house. You know, the one with all the deer heads on it. I got up and went out on the back deck to see if I could see anything.

That’s when I saw him come out from under the edge of the roof where the gable meets the eave above the screened porch. I thought, I ain’t standing for a squirrel getting into my house.

So, I called Jim Bo. He’s an exterminator, and I told him what was going on.

“Sounds like you’ve got a squirrel making a nest inside your wall,” he says to me.

“You think? That’s why I’m calling you,” I told him.

Well, he promised he’d come over the next day, but he never showed up. Fine, I said. I’ll just handle this myself.

I bought me one of those wire mesh thing-a-ma-jigs. You know, the one that you can put over a hole and the critter can come out, but he can’t get back in. I can show it to you. I’ve still got it on the roof until I can get that hole fixed.

Anyway, I thought maybe I had whipped my squirrel problem.

A couple weeks later, I was sitting in my office in the front room, and dang if I didn’t hear a squirrel on the roof. You can tell right off on a metal roof. Those little claws trying to dig in and screeching as he runs across from one side to the other.

It sounded like he was right over my desk. I stuck my face to the window so I could maybe get a chance to see him if he came off the roof. And you know what? The little devil crawled right down the Japanese Maple on the corner of the house.

I thought, uh huh, I can fix that. Right then I went out to the garage and got my chain saw and cut that tree to the ground.

Side bar.

I am a tree guy. I understand the value and significance of a mature Japanese Maple. The thought of a person ending the life of a specimen tree like this over a squirrel on the roof is unfathomable to me.

Back to our story.

I was so proud of myself. I live with woods all around me, so I get that I have to put up with squirrels. But not in my house. That tree was his access, and I took it away.

A few weeks went by. It might have been over a month. No squirrel issues. I was working at the island in my kitchen, standing at the end near the stove. I can see out the French doors onto the screened in porch from there.

And there he was. That dang squirrel was back, and he was climbing my screen. Can you believe that? I didn’t know a squirrel could climb my screens. I guess he climbed up the wood post and got on the screen from there.

I was so mad. I’m telling you, they’re evil. I think his eyes were red.

I busted out the door onto the porch. I keep a couple of BB guns on the table for the grandboys. All I could think about was, I’m gonna shoot him. My screens needed replacing. I didn’t care. I’d had it with that squirrel.

Of course, I startled him when I opened the door. He had all-fours spread out. By the time I grabbed the gun he was staring me down. He’s looking at me through the screen. I’m looking at him like a wild woman. I shot at him and missed.

He scampered up the screen and got up in the little curve at the top of the downspout. He was clawing at the gutter, I guess trying to get a grip, but it was too slick.

I got two more shots off before he leapt down and ran off.

Side bar.

Me again. In my head I’m seeing Elmer Fudd chasing down Bugs Bunny with a shotgun inside the house.

Now, where did we leave off.

I wasn’t sure if I hit him or not, but I didn’t see him for a long time after that. I figured I had scared him bad enough that maybe he wasn’t coming back.

You’d think I was right, but no. A few weeks later I heard that sucker inside my attic over my office.

I knew he didn’t get up there by the tree. I’d cut that down. I didn’t think he could get up the screen and go over the gutter. How in the heck is he getting inside my house?

So, I got up and went outside in the yard along that end of the house. I just stood by the edge of the woods watching. I figured, sooner or later he’d have to come out somewhere and I’d catch him at it and see how he’s getting access to my roof.

I stood there a while. I’m sure it was more than 30 minutes. And sure enough, his nasty little head popped out from under one of the joints in the metal. Metal roofs are great, but sometimes they don’t seal off all the little openings.

Anyway, that little devil got out on the roof. He didn’t see me watching. He ran along the gutter and leapt out to the pergola on the back deck, down the deck post and out across the yard to the woods.

I tore that pergola apart. I called Bo and had him haul it off for me. I hate squirrels.

Things were quiet for a while. But just to be safe, I bought a squirrel trap and set it up in the attic. I thought if he finds a way to come back, maybe I can get rid of him this way.

And you know what, I got him. I came home one day, heard a little something and went to check my trap, and sure enough, I had him. I called my daughter and son-in-law and told them to come get him. Blast him, I told them, just don’t tear up my trap.

Squirrels are the devil.