For months ahead of our trip to Canada, we read almost every available travel guide that covered this region of Alberta and British Columbia. And by “we” I mean Marion.

The purpose of our research, and by “our” I mean her research, was to familiarize ourselves with the lay of the land, the customs of local area, and the best place to buy groceries. But not only that, we wanted some idea of how much gas was going to cost us. We wanted to figure out which eye-popping mountains and lakes had to be on the must-see list.

We wanted the experts to tell us how to visit Canada.

It’s in that spirit that I offer you the following travel tips. I know some of you are thinking about coming up here one of these days. I want you to be prepared. And even though I’ve only been here four days, I’m a quick learner.

It’s a gift.

I should warn you, though. You won’t find these tips in any of those other so-called travel guides. No sir. You can plan your trip. You can pick your destinations. You can map out your routes through the Canadian wilderness. But right here is what you need to make sure you’re ready.

Tip #1: Be prepared for mosquito swarms the size of a Naval Fighter squadron. These Canadian blood suckers are big and they mean business.

My advice? Buy your bug spray by the case and ship it to your destination via UPS ahead of time. When you go outside to get into your vehicle, run. Don’t walk. Keep a fly swatter inside the vehicle at all times. As soon as you crack the door open, they will invade your space. Flatten all unwanted flying guests before moving the vehicle. The last thing you want is to go off the side of one of these mountains because you ran off the road swatting at mosquitoes.

Back home, I hear the old folks say something like, “It’s gonna be rough this summer. We ain’t had enough cold to kill off all the bugs. The skeeters are gonna be awful this year.”

Do you know anything about the Canadian winters?

If you do, you can’t tell me that the severity of cold weather or the lack thereof can possibly have anything to do with controlling mosquito populations. If the mosquitoes here ever find out what winters are like in Georgia, they might migrate south and life as we know it will be over.

Tip #2: Practice your metric conversion formulas. I never thought that I’d ever need this system, but I was wrong. Don’t make that mistake.

We pulled into the ESSO station yesterday to fill up our little Mini Cooper. The numbers on the sign and at the pump were 1659. I had no idea where to put the decimal. If it was gallons, it looked cheap to me, but it wasn’t. Gasoline is sold by the liter in Canada.

If you’re an old guy like me, buying gasoline and understanding how well my vehicle uses the gasoline I put in it is an important part of how I manage my small piece of the world. I think about things like cost, and gas mileage, regularly calculating the miles per gallon that I’m getting. I don’t take the computer’s word for it.

So, I’m standing there watching the pump numbers tick by. I end up with $83.53 invested in 45.404 of some designated volume of gasoline. I’m glad my children didn’t see me in the gas station parking lot. I’ve got Google going, looking for conversion tables. I’m one-finger-pecking away at my calculator.

Best I can determine, the Mini Coop holds about 12 gallons, and I got 46 miles to the gallon. I have no idea how many liters per kilometer that is, and quite frankly I don’t care. This little car can go a long ways on a tank.

Tip #3: If you hike in the woods, wear a tinkle bell on your backpack. Don’t laugh.

I did not know this before coming to Canada, and we made plans to take many hikes through this beautiful wilderness. Emphasis on “wilderness.” Bears live in the Canadian wilderness, and they are carnivores, which means that I am on the food chain below bears.

The Park Rangers up here will tell you that you should make noise while hiking through the woods. A referee’s whistle is no good because there’s a bird up here that makes that exact sound. The rangers recommend that you sing loudly, clap your hands every so often, or, if you don’t feel like making a fool of yourself, just tie a tinkle bell to your backpack or belt loop.

Noise will make the bears head the other way.

This was our strategy while on the trail the other day at Glacier National Park. Two grizzly bears had been reported on this trail the day before. Being dumb Americans with no tinkle bells, we talked constantly and occasionally busted out in a round of Black Water by the Doobie Brothers.

“Here’s what we do,” Marion said.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“If we see a bear on the trail way up ahead, we’ll just back up slowly and quietly wait until somebody else comes along, allowing them to go ahead of us.”

“And we don’t tell them about the bear?”

“It would only make them nervous,” she suggested.

“So, the Christian thing to do is to let them run cover for us.” I could sense where this was going.

“Exactly.”

Next trip, we’re bringing a whole sack of tinkle bells.

Tip #4: Practice your high speed driving skills. I strongly suspect that the best NASCAR drivers all come from Canada.

I’ve already talked about the 100 kph highways up here. After four days of driving the Trans Canada Highway, it hasn’t gotten much easier. Add two things to this. One, I’m driving among some of the most massive mountains in North America, and two, I’m being chased by some of the biggest semi-trucks I’ve ever seen.

This is not a slam on truck drivers. Don’t hear what I’m not saying. But these guys are dare-devils on 30 wheels. You heard me right. Not 18 wheels. 30 wheels. I’ve counted them. Seven dual axles and the two steering tires up front. That’s 30 wheels under a double trailer, or double tanker, and they are hauling it down the road.

The Mini Coop is no match.

Tip #5: Prepare yourself for a global experience. It’s not just French Canadians up here anymore.

I don’t think I’ve ever been any place where I’ve rubbed shoulders with more ethnicities representing more faces and languages from around the world than right here inside the Canadian National Parks. People from India, from Japan, China, Australia, Ireland, Germany, Italy, and Alabama.

I saw a guy on the trail up to Takakkaw Falls wearing his crimson cap with the swooshed A above the bill. I couldn’t resist yelling “Roll Tide.” I would have yelled, “Go DAWGS” but I didn’t want to end up in a Canadian jail.

My final tip.

Get yourself to Canada and have some fun.