My TP World

The bathroom remodel has been complete now for a while. It only took me 8 months from the first hammer swing to the last little polish on the mirror. And now the challenge is to accessorize with all the creature comforts that make the bath and other experiences perfect.

My wife found the most incredible toilet paper holder. Normally, this is not something worth talking about, much less writing to you about. So, forgive me. What kind of weird person gets excited about a TP holder?

My entire life, the TP has hung from some variation of a thingy that attaches to the wall within a comfortable reach of the throne. The roller is either spring loaded or stationary and open on one end. The biggest battle is to keep the TP rolling off over the top as God said it should be in the beginning. It offends my sensibilities to have TP that pulls off from the backside underneath. I have been known to correct this misguided error while enthroned in various public and private facilities.

Anyway, our new TP holder is a floor stand model that has two brackets back to back at the top of the stand. TWO rolls at the same time. Let that sink in for a moment. There are numerous reasons that this device is a huge improvement over the traditional TP wall-hung dispenser. Let me preach on it.

One. You cannot yank it out of the wall. I have had to reattach the TP roller in our house multiple times. It never seems to be mounted to a stud in the wall. The dry wall anchors are not made to withstand the pressure of a grown up who thinks of the TP holder as a handicap bar and uses it to assist with ingress and egress from the throne. Small children have been known to attempt circus acts on the TP holder until it’s dangling by a thread.

Two. You will not run out of TP. Nothing is worse that to rush in to take care of business only to realize too late that there is no TP within reach. What kind of heartless person leaves one scrap of TP hanging from an empty cardboard tube? “Honey, I need help!” I realize that this is not a flawless plan, but at least there is a fighting chance that there will be an extra roll available on a two roll stand. One could hope.

Three. You can adjust things to suit your reach. Some people, and I’ll not mention my wife, have short arms. Invariably I have mounted the old TP rollers to the wall far enough away to keep from banging my knees on it, but also far enough away that someone of shorter stature might slip off the throne reaching for the TP. This way, with the TP on a floor stand, you can move it around wherever you want.

Four. Last but not least, no more extra rolls on the top of the tank behind me. I have a stiff neck these days. It’s hard to make a full turn to see what’s behind me anymore. Backing up a car and trying to look out the rear window. Sitting in a deer stand and trying to see what’s sneaking up on me from the rear. Turning to grab the TP off the tank. These things are not easy. With the new stand, the TP is right there in front of me.

Here is a truth worth noting. The best TP accessory is no better than the TP you put on it. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Crummy TP is still crummy even if it rolls off the perfect stand.

I actually thought that the TP shortage was over. But I’m not the one doing the shopping. Evidently, all the good stuff was gone the last time my wife went to the store. This stuff is so thin you can see through it if you hold it up to the light. If you’ve ever used the facilities in some place like the giant warehouse hardware store in town, you are familiar with this brand of TP.

I prefer a roll of TP that has some substance to it. I don’t need flowers or scents, but I do need bulk. With the current supply of TP at our house it takes about 18 ft. of TP to feel safe and sanitary. I would worry about the septic tank clogging up, but this stuff is melts as soon as it gets wet. No way you could roll your neighbor’s front yard with it. It would never hold up.

I spotted a small scorpion on the bathroom floor this morning. Normally a couple of squares of TP offers plenty of protection when picking up and squishing one of these venomous creatures. My first thought was that our TP was useless against the scorpion invasion. I had to go all the way to the kitchen to get a paper towel for the job.

Normally, you can tell the cheap stuff from the good stuff on the shelf at the store. But the manufacturers have gotten creative. They have learned to print a plush looking texture on the clear plastic packaging. You pick up a 12 pack. It looks like the real thing. But you get it home and discover that the TP itself is plain and fragile and see-through and pitiful. But I am cheap and will use it up because we paid for it.

In college, I took the basic freshman Health class. Professor Brown enlightened us on a number of subjects on which a group of 18 and 19 year olds would normally never have engaged. Subjects relating to personal hygiene. There was always one or two in the crowd that needed to learn how to use a bar of soap, but most of us had our Mamas to thank for what we knew on the subject.

The one class conversation I remember revolved around the proper use of TP. Yep. This was college level education at its best. Professor Brown told us that in the normal course of hygiene, three squares of TP should be sufficient for sanitary purposes. Billy Rowe almost fell out of his chair. None of us were sure after that, what world Prof. Brown had grown up in, but we were pretty sure that this was completely inaccurate information that did not match up with our real world experiences.

I’m guessing this is one reason that TP flew off the shelves so fast at the beginning of this pandemic. Most folks understand that “three squares” is a reference more suited to how many meals you eat in one day, not how many sheets of TP you should roll off to take care of business.

I am old enough to have used a lot of outhouses in my time, but thankfully not old enough to have used corn cobs for cleaning up. So, I’m thankful for TP. Whatever the quality. And in enough quantity to handle the effort.

I’m not proposing that we be wasteful. Some folks are “folders” and neat with the TP. Some are “wadders” who just bunch up enough to do. And some are “wrappers” who tend to wrap enough around their hand until they look like a doctor is about to set a cast. Three year olds are bad about this during the potty training season of life. They’ll roll off enough TP to choke a horse, or to pick up 10 scorpions for a week. We have to learn to be practical. I get that. But three squares? No, sir.

Well, the accessories look great in the new bathroom. The towel rack is handsome. The TP stand is amazing. Did I tell you it holds two rolls of TP? I just grin every time I look at it. I’m thinking of inviting friends over and steering the conversation toward bathroom details. The pros and cons of tile versus vinyl flooring. LED recessed lighting versus traditional fixtures. Chrome versus Nickel finishes.

“Hey, have you ever seen a TP stand that holds two rolls? Come in here and let me show you this thing. It’s awesome.”

All I need now is a couple towel hooks by the shower door.

2 thoughts on “My TP World

  1. Quite accurate, but it made me laugh a lot!
    It takes a lot of years laced with wisdom to pontificate so eloquently on TP and TP holders, just saying!


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